it's time.
today i realized that i no longer have a double chin. what i have is a gentle slope, starting at my chin and gradually moving inward until it unites with my neck, about midway to where my neck joins my torso -- not pretty. i once had a boss, whose age i would estimate to have been in the mid-sixties, who had this chin/neck (check? nin?), and i remember registering it as a warning against the pounds i was slowly, but surely, adding to my already maxed-out frame.
i accidentally saw myself naked a few days ago; i say accidentally, because i have, without conscious intention, stopped looking in the mirror unless i am tweezing my eyebrows or putting on moisturizer (the extend of my "beauty" routine). the fact that i haven't looked at myself for so long made this dose of reality all the more shocking. my husband has a full-length mirror on his armoir. in the chaos of trying to coax my family into readiness, i turned my head toward it, and -- egads! -- what is all that crap on my thighs? it looked like a pale, fleshy moonscape. and the only positive thing i can say about the enormous, droopy belly i saw is that it finally hides my cesarean scar.
i have brushed up against physical fitness in my lifetime, and i have even felt confident about my physique and aesthetic. unfortunately, these experiences are hazy memories, and i've come to expect very little of myself when it comes to personal care. kids, husband, house, work, groceries, laundry, errands, bills, emergencies.....i've prioritized myself out of this list. i've allowed bone spurs, vericose veins, high blood pressure, high triglycerides, the beginnings of arthritis, and the prison of daily medication to take the place of clothes i like and the joy i once felt when moving.
i'm only 42 years old! it's not too late for me. i can feel good again; i can stop wincing every time i stand up; i can have the energy and physical ability to chase my kids; i can not almost burst into tears every time i squeeze into a pair of pants; i can stop having to give myself a pep talk to let myself be seen in public; i can let myself look into mirrors that reflect what extends below my head; i can have a chin again.
i dread the obstacles ahead. i fear my weak will and my readiness to seek solace in a third glass of wine and -- what the hell -- dessert. i fear hunger pangs and not wanting what's good for me. but i must remind myself everyday what i fear more than any of those things: living the rest of my life in pain and self-loathing, and leaving my kids earlier than i could have.
tomorrow is a new day!!
